2 - Cosmic Consumer Report

Have you ever struggled to choose between the most ethical option when shopping? Join our blameless buyer's program today!

Transcript

  [Radio static]

Male voice: --get me some of that.

Female voice: Order Hex today!

Male voice 2: Come on down to Electro World and--

[Static]

[Opening Theme]

Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”

[Intro music]

Kay: Infinity Hour is a weekly subspace radio broadcast from your Infinity Corporation family, delivering fantastic features, incredible information, interdimensional intrigue, and so much more! Biped or polyped, organic individual or silicone specimen, sentient soul or Chinese Room automaton, we have what you need to satiate your salacity for sagacity! So kick back on your cosmic couch, sip some celestial suds, and let your mind flow out your ears to vibrate with the airwaves of Infinity Hour Radio.

Elroy: Hello everyone, welcome to Infinity Hour, I’m Elroy G. Biv.

Kay: …and I’m Kay Werty. We’re so glad you can join us in this configuration of the eternal present for another episode.

Elroy: Right you are, Kay. It’s an aromatic day here in 00023 prime alpha, and colorless green ideas are sleeping furiously.

Kay: They sure are, Roy, and that’s just fine with us, because we have a packed show in store for our listeners today. First up is… REALITY REPORT!

[Reality Report music]

Elroy: Thanks, Kay. Well, it’s going to be a rough exaannum for any listeners who are in multiversal superstructure column 5-gamma, where a flurry of time paradoxes is predicted to hit… yesterday. Avoid leaving your omega-rated osmium-lined dwelling for the duration or you may find yourself non-existent from having killed your own grandfather. Then again, if you go outside, it means you had to have existed to begin with, so you couldn’t have killed your own grandfather. So, it would probably be fine. But, on the other hand –

Never mind. Moving on to the ongoing Alliance-Feroxi conflict, we turn to the recent skirmishes at the edge of the Draconis sector. Alliance forces have made heroic advances deep into Feroxi territory, managing to neutralize multiple supply stations and weapons depots, likely saving thousands of lives in the process. 

Finally, Interdimensional Ironists Incorporated are conducting a survey across 23,000 planes of reality, and they want to know - how many layers of irony are you on? When Infinity Hour Inquired as to whether respondents were to actually submit answers or if it was a rhetorical question, a spokesperson responded: “yes.”

That’s it for the Reality Report - back to you, Kay.

Kay: Thanks, Elroy. Next up is The Infinity Corporation’s Consumer Report, where we take you through the ins and outs of everything you need to know to be a smart - and, most importantly, ethical - shopper!

[Consumer Report jingle]

Today’s Consumer Report feature - trouble at Eris Unlimited? You hate to see it! The big box chain has long been admired for creating a progressive, inclusive work environment, with the company’s pledge to hire at least two dozen n-dimensional ether entities per eon drawing praise and recognition from various cosmic justice groups. But their expansion into conventional spacetime, with the opening of several Earth-based locations, has raised questions about their level of commitment to integrity and equality, with some consumer advocacy organizations making disturbing allegations. The Center for the Success of Celestial Cepheid Specters issued the following statement:

Cepheid Spokesperson: We’ve been pleased in the past by Eris Unlimited’s eloquent expressions of goodwill and solidarity with Celestial Cepheid Specters and the difficulties we face every day in conventional space time, so we were dismayed by the absence of Spectral representation in their latest line of collectible action figures. Human employees we spoke with reported that in their seven day workweek of sixteen-hour shifts, constructing ten thousand units on each, they had not seen a single Cepheid toy come down the assembly line. Perhaps Eris Unlimited does not think it is profitable for young Cepheids to see themselves represented in the toys they play with. We wonder if they will feel the same when their sizable Cepheid customer base purchases their products with a competitor, such as Omega Mart.

Kay: To their credit, Eris Unlimited was quick to respond with the following statement:

Eris Spokesperson: We’d like to offer our sincere apologies to our multidimensional celestial star-dwelling customers for letting you down and falling short of our own high standards. In an effort to do better, we’re releasing a line of Spectacular Cepheid action figures. We’ll be extending our assembly line operators’ shifts by two hours daily and upping the production quota to twelve thousand units to ensure that each young luminescent phantasm will be able to have one to call their very own. [Ad jingle music] Spectacular Cepheids: coming to an Eris Unlimited location near you for the low, low price of one hundred cosmic credits. Available for a limited time only.

Kay: And that’s our Consumer Report. We’ll be coming back at you with more Infinity Hour - but first, a message from our sponsors!

Bob: Hey, you! Yes, you! You’re listening to Infinity Hour’s Consumer Report, which means you want to be the best citizen you can be and make the right consumer decisions. We at the Infinity Corporation applaud your efforts. We think the world would be a better place if everyone was more like you. That’s why we’re introducing our brand-new Blameless Buyers Rewards program! 

When you join the Blameless Buyers club, you’ll gain access to our Corporate Ethical Assessment database, which provides a morality rating for every registered business in the cosmos, ranging from one star (Villainous) to five (Virtuous). These ratings are consistently updated to provide the most accurate picture possible of how each company is upholding their social responsibilities. For example, Prometheus’ Planetary Resorts Inc. was downgraded from five stars to four after it was discovered that the chemicals they use to eradicate indigenous life from their vacation worlds does not meet our environmental sustainability metrics. Meanwhile, Kallisti Real Estate was just boosted from four to five stars after making the generous commitment to donate 2% of their property sale proceeds to homelessness charities. So if you’re in the market for a luxury home, consider going with Kallisti to support a worthy cause.

But, that’s not all. The more money you spend with our Virtuous VIP partners, the more Conscientious Consumer points you earn to put towards exclusive rewards such as discounts, vacations, and private events for other ethically exceptional activists like yourself. When your friends see you attending the lavish annual Blameless Buyers Ball (for those with at least 450 CC points), they’ll want to know how they can get involved, too. Fighting for justice and earning rewards while you’re doing it - what could be an easier sell?

So, join your friends at The Infinity Corporation and help us change the world for the better - one purchase at a time. Blameless Buyers club membership dues start at 30 cosmic credits.

Elroy: We’ll be getting back to the show soon, but first - another quick commercial break!

Ned: Are you tired of companies pushing politics? I know I am. Wherever you go, whatever you buy, it seems like these liberal corporations are shoving some bleeding-heart agenda in your face. When I go to Fnord Burger, I don’t want some namby-pamby paper straw that’s going to get all soggy on me, I want a strong, virile, plastic, alpha straw - a man’s straw! When I buy a water bottle, I don’t want one with a tiny little weakling beta cap that uses 10% less plastic - I want a nice, American-made, big old masculine cap like they used to have! Look, someone tell these companies: I’m not trying to save the world here, I just want to get a drink!

And don’t even get me started on how you can’t say “Merry Christmas” anymore. It’s “Season’s Greetings” this, “best wishes” that. The other day at MegaMart, some snowflake said “happy holidays” to me and it ruined my entire night! If this foolishness keeps up, I tell you, we regular people won’t have anything left to enjoy. It’s time to fight back.

That’s why I’ve founded Nescient Ned’s Wokeness Wasting Warrior Association. When you sign up to become a Warrior for the low cost of thirty credits yearly, you join an exclusive club of free-thinkers just like you who won’t be pushed around by the corporate elite. 

Here’s how it works. Every time you shop at a business that has three stars or less in the Infinity Corporation’s so-called “Ethical Assessment database” - in other words, the companies that aren’t trying to push their virtue-signalling Marxist agenda on the world to destroy honesty and freedom - you earn Assertive Alpha points that get you access to discounts, rewards, and benefits, including privileged passes to private events for WARRIORS ONLY! And, more importantly, you show the world that unlike those grandstanding, moralizing Blameless Buyers, you won’t be brainwashed by the elites! Thirty credits a year is a small price to pay to display your freedom from corporate control, isn’t it? So sign up for Nescient Ned’s Wokeness Wasting Warrior Association today.

Nescient Ned’s is a registered trademark of The Infinity Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

Elroy: Welcome back to Infinity Hour, where all of infinity is compressed into an hour or less for your listening pleasure. We’re now cutting live to the 3173 United Sol Charter Meeting, where Alliance senator Noam N Owen was, will be, and is advancing an argument for critically important legislation. Let’s hear what Senator Owen has to say.

Sen. Owen: Friends, honored diplomats, fellow citizens of the Alliance, I come before you today to speak on an issue close to my heart. Freedom of thought: it’s one of our most cherished values as a society, what our charter protects in the form of clauses defending rights to speech, press, religion, expression in all forms. As a nation that extols liberty as its highest virtue drink fnord cola, independence of mind is absolutely essential to our collective pursuit of happiness. Shop at Fnord Mart. I think all of us present would agree that any threats to this fundamental freedom should be dealt with quickly and decisively. And it is with great concern I must tell you that one such threat may be on the horizon. Eat at Fnord Burger. I have heard rumors circulating through my friends in industry and academia of new technologies under development that could soon undermine this foundational liberty that all of us enjoy. Vote against G-137. Certain directed electromagnetic impulses, I am told, could theoretically allow the implantation of messages into the human mind through altering signals in the speech and language centers of the brain. Sign up for a Fnord Card today and enjoy low, low interest rates! Misuse of this technology could turn each and every one of us into unwitting corporate mouthpieces, advertising products to our friends and family in everyday conversation.

To complicate matters further, sources have also told me of research being done into remote memory-manipulation techniques that could prevent these messages from making their way into the long-term memory of both the speaker and the listener. Bomb the Eastern Fed. Before you know it, you could be having conversations peppered with commercials and propaganda, and be left with no recollection of them, only a vague yet compelling need to purchase certain services and products (such as Fnord Organic Dietary supplements - feel the difference today!)

And that’s to say nothing of the other potential uses of such a nefarious technology. Slaughter the Eastern Feds. Unfortunately, because these signals would not be exclusively marketing tools, and do not fall under any currently existing form of broadcast regulated by the FCC, legal experts have opined that existing restrictions on subliminal advertising would not apply to them. Kill the Eastern Feds. That’s why I am speaking out in support of Senator Smith’s bill G-137, to outlaw any use of remote neural alteration technologies targeted at human beings. Our minds should belong to no one but ourselves. So I’m asking you, esteemed members of the Alliance congress, to vote for G-137. Thank you. Next, we’ll be hearing from Senator Dobbs, to speak on another issue I’m passionate about - peaceful resolution of the tensions between our nation and the Eastern Federation.

[Radio scan]

Elroy: Wow. Historic words, wouldn’t you say, Kay?

Kay: I certainly would Elroy. Especially knowing what has, is, and will play out! And with that, let’s hear another brief message from our sponsor!

Bob: Hello, and welcome to your very first moment of existence! I’m Bob with the Infinity Corporation Sales Department, and this is your lovely new home, Cosmic Simulation IC-42235. I hope you’re settling nicely into your body, your senses, and your newly-implanted memories (sorry about all that trauma, by the way). This wouldn’t be a fully functional Class C Universe without some history, and unfortunately our researchers don’t have 13.8 billion years to wait for an organically grown product. IC-42235’s full spacetime profile has been expertly synthesized by our extraordinary engineers, and from here within the boundaries of the simulation, it is nearly indistinguishable from reality. Not that you would know the difference, of course, having never experienced the “real McCoy.”

Enough small talk, though. Let’s get down to brass tacks, because I’m a busy interdimensional entity temporarily taking the form of a man, and a quick glance at your code tells me most of you are programmed to believe you’re busy, too. The reason you’re here is that changes have been made to company policy, now permitting Universal simulation subjects to, first of all, be informed of their status as such, and secondly, purchase specialized products and services designed to meet their artificially created needs. So let me be the first to congratulate you on joining the Infinity Corporation family, and entering a whole new infinite realm of opportunity!

You are the first beings in IC-42235 to hear this pitch - and exciting as it is, before we dive in, we need to review the offer’s terms and conditions. By continuing to exist, you agree to them, and violation may result in termination of service.

The Infinity Corporation hereby states that you constitute a specially selected trial group. In the event of the trial’s success - meaning significant revenue gains for the company, and no cataclysms ending the Universe before we’re ready to do so - the program may be expanded. Until then, you are prohibited from discussing this information with any other Grade B entity (in the context of Earth, this includes primate, cetacean, avian, or feline lifeforms).

Now that the legal formalities are out of the way, on to what you’ve all been waiting for - the details of our brand new Simulated Star Shopper program!

The initial benefit that we extend to each and every one of you, free of charge, as a small acknowledgment of your participation, is knowledge of the ultimate nature of your reality. You are, indeed, living in a simulation. Of course, you’re prohibited from sharing this knowledge outside the confines of the trial group, but when you find yourself at a party sharing drinks with people arguing back and forth about metaphysics, with one saying “we could all be brains in vats,” a second claiming “we’re all the dream of god, man” and a third saying “both of those are unfalsifiable nonsense, there is one objective reality that came into being with the Big Bang,” you can lean back and smile knowing that this Universe is definitely a simulation.

Beyond that, we get into paid subscription tiers. Each level brings additional perks that will help you make the most of your time as a glorified lab rat in an artificial Universe.

The first tier - Partially Enlightened Patron. At this level, we provide basic adjustments to your physiology stats. Did we implant memories of your doctor telling you that you needed glasses at age six, and then your classmates bullying you throughout your school career? You won’t have to worry about that when we grant you supernatural visual acuity, allowing you to see other planets with the naked eye, play sports at the professional level - even ace those vision charts at the optometrist. We also may increase or decrease the size of various parts of your anatomy - for example, have you ever just really wanted a massive nose, to be able to smell pies cooking blocks away? Well, now you can.

For only a slightly  higher payment, you can reach the second tier - Discerning Demigod. In addition to the benefits of the first level, you’ll receive massively increased mental powers. A photographic memory and perfect judgment - allowing you to both remember exactly how fast you were going when the police pull you over, and the wisdom to know that you shouldn’t answer that question or anything else they ask you. You’ll also be given the ability to read thoughts - which, of course, you’ll be able to toggle on and off at will, so that if you get tired of hearing everyone complain internally about how annoying it is that you’re perfect at everything, you can stop listening. What, did you think this was some kind of Monkey’s Paw deal? Absolutely not. The name of our game is customer satisfaction.

Finally, the ultimate tier: Alpha and Omega Affiliate. Look, I’m not going to lie to you. This one is pricey, and as you may have guessed, we don’t accept dollars as payment - we deal in far more precious currency than money. But those big spenders who are willing to go the extra mile will find themselves tremendously rewarded. When you reach the level of Alpha and Omega Affiliate, you are granted only one benefit: whatever you will occurs. If you suddenly wish that you weren’t out in the hot sun pouring concrete, but were on an Earthlike exo-planet twelve thousand light-years away sipping gingerale in front of an ocean of liquid diamond, you’ll be there before you know it. If you’re sick of your condescending boss, and you imagine a world where she never existed, bang - the next time you talk to your coworkers they’ll be asking “Susan who?” If you decide that the solar system would be cooler if Pluto was still a planet, all you need to do is snap your fingers and think of it. At this tier, you become a deity. My piece of advice - do not think about whatever you don’t want to happen. Are you arachnophobic? Do not think about nine hundred trillion spiders covering every single inch of space in the galaxy. Don’t do it. Do not.

Now, this one is where our primary risk lies - the whole “causing the end of the Universe” possibility. Some of the executives were a little uncertain about it, and the attached price tag was our way of mollifying them. But, since this is our first run of the Simulated Star Shopper trial, we’d be remiss if we didn’t offer you a top-notch experience.

So that’s our offer. Take some time, think about it, enjoy your newfound knowledge of the nature of existence, and I’ll be back in contact soon to take your order. If you have any questions, don’t worry, we programmed you to have them and you’ll know the answer the second you consider the query. 

Thank you for being chosen to exist by the Infinity Corporation.

—

Kay: That brings us to the end of this week’s show. We thank you all who have joined, are joining, and will join us in the future for your eternally continued patronage. And remember…

Elroy:... The Infinity Corporation will destroy a thousand worlds, ten thousand, a million, to ensure our paying customers’ satisfaction!

Kay: Enjoy the infinite now subdivided by your mind into snapshots of moments, and don’t forget… stay infinite.