3 - Diane's Discordian Discourse

Dulcet discordian discourse! Extraordinary eclectic exoplanets! But wait -- there's more!

Transcript

[Radio static]

Female voice: …The taste of Fnord Cola is–

Male voice: –Sunyata.

Female voice: The City Defense Force would like to–

[Static]

[Opening theme]

Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”

[Intro music]

Elroy: Infinity Hour is a weekly subspace radio broadcast finding its way through dozens of dimensions and countless continuums straight to you. It’s a cup of cosmic coffee and a warm,edifying embrace.

Kay: It sure is, and we have quite the show for you. Coming up first is Diane’s Discordian Discourse! A faith-based guide to help you traverse the cursed multiverse, Diane’s Discordian Discourse is a presentation of Pope Diane Isis. Let’s see what she has to say today!

[Discordian Discourse music plays]

Diane: Good morning and twenty three welcomes to every pope listening in today! I’m Diane Isis the Eminent Imminent, and this evening we’ll be looking at five dos and don’ts for your personal pursuit of cathartic chaos. First, though - our featured Saint and Episkopos.

Saint Joshua Norton, also called “Emperor Norton” for his self-declared rulership over the Earthling territory known as the United States, emerged from the void in 1818 CE and passed back into the sacred chao in 1880 of the same. Once a wealthy merchant, he lost his fortune on a bad investment and his litigation was overturned by the Supreme Court, leaving him in poverty. Outraged at the legal and political circumstances of the country, St. Norton announced that he was assuming the title “Emperor of These United States.” Thenceforth, he dressed in a stylish military uniform gifted to him by US Army Officers and walked the streets of San Francisco inspecting public facilities and infrastructure. He also issued royal decrees, such as one calling for the immediate dissolution of the United States Congress, and he produced his own currency, which was accepted by many businesses in the area. Once arrested with the intention of forced commitment to a mental asylum, the public backlash was so swift and severe that the police chief of San Francisco ordered Emperor Norton released (after which the Emperor graciously granted a royal pardon to the arresting officer).

Though he was, financially, a pauper, Emperor Norton enjoyed considerably more influence and legacy than the average Earthling in the 1880s, and is remembered more than a century later on his native planet. A true chaos magician, Emperor Norton drew others to support him through his belief, humor, and charisma, all of which combined to manifest enough power that he was able to draw crowds, print his own money, and walk out of jail with the blessing of the police chief. Saint Norton put on display for all the collectively-agreed upon fictions underlying everything society is built upon - fictions that we can rewrite to our own benefit, if we’re clever enough.

Then, now. Five do’s - and five don’ts - for you to keep out of mind as you go forth for the goddess.

The five Do’s:

Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

The five Don’ts:

1. Don't believe anything you read, or hear on a broadcast.
2. Don't pay more than $5 for ultimate truth. If it's not readily apparent everywhere, it's not ultimate. Sometimes you might need help seeing it, like a buddy who tells you to shift the optical illusion one way or another, but it's really not worth more than pocket change.
3. Don't ever look at the clock if you don't have two o’clock.
4. Don't step in it.
5. Donut ever tell the hole truth.

With that, I’d like to thank you for listening to Dis course, Diane’s Discordian Discourse, of course, which has been taught by me, Diane Isis the Eminent Imminent. Tune in next time for four score more core important ideas for infinite elation sponsored by the Infinity Corporation.

Kay: Thanks so much for that enlightening sermon, Diane. A little bit of spirituality in all of our lives will make this Multiplicitous Meta-structure a better place to exist.

Elroy: Couldn’t agree more, Kay. And we’re all going to need that little bit of extra motivation as we get into todays…

Kay and Elroy: REALITY REPORT!

[Reality Report music]

Elroy: First of all, from the frontlines, it’s my pleasure to announce that after a difficult and courageous battle, the Alliance has broken through the front lines in the Teloth system and successfully liberated the planet of Oonai from totalitarian Feroxi control. 

Images from the planet’s surface show roads and small cities surrounded almost entirely by undeveloped wilderness. We’ve been told that on this world, as on so many others under their dominion, the Feroxi have suppressed free enterprise and progress, and have blocked any transmissions they don’t approve of from entering their airspace (Infinity Corporation broadcasts and product offers, for example, have been repeatedly censored).

We’re told that within hours of the Feroxi regime being forced out of Oonai, Infinity Corporation sales teams set out to make contact with local leaders and open trade and commerce channels. There’s a whole big multiplicity out there that’s brand new to these people, and we can’t wait to change their lives with our amazing products.

[Reality Report transition.]

Kay: Absolutely. Thanks, Elroy. And speaking of amazing products, here’s a message from our sponsors.

[Ad music]

Bob: You know how they say there’s a first time for everything? It’s true. For everything that you try, at least. But what “they,” the “they” of the “you know what they say” fame tend to overlook is that there’s also a last time for everything. There’s a last time that you’ll hear your favorite song. You’ll press play on your device, or on your screen, or you’ll start spinning the turntable, and the familiar melodies will emanate from the speakers. Maybe you’ll nod your head to the beat. Maybe you’ll be driving, or studying, or jogging. You’ll enjoy the experience, and then the song will end, and you’ll continue whatever it was you were doing. But, without knowing it, you will have listened to your favorite song for the last time.

For those of you who enjoy sex, I hate to be the one to inform you, but there will be a last time for that, too. You’ll start the foreplay on the couch, or on the floor, or in bed after waking up next to [them]. Your breathing will probably get heavier, the clothes will come off, if they were ever on to begin with. Maybe it’ll be good, maybe not. Maybe she’ll fake it to make you happy. Maybe he’ll make it a grand total of thirty seconds, then roll over and fall asleep. But then again, maybe it’ll be absolutely mind-blowing. You know, the sort of session where your ego self-destructs at the moment of climax, your name, and history, and thoughts all drowned out by the Id’s ecstatic cries of “oh god, yes!” Either way, the experience will end, and you’ll move on, not knowing that, for you, it would be the very last time.

Your loved ones? I assume you have them. Most everyone does. There’s a last time you’ll talk to them, too. Each and every one of them. Maybe it will be a quick phone call to ask: “when are you coming home?” Maybe it’ll be an hours-long reminiscence about good times and bad times, full of laughter and tears. Maybe it’ll be a fight - you hang up, bristling, thinking “I need to cool down. We can talk later.” And that’s the last time you ever have a conversation. 

Yes, there’s a last time for everything, and none of us can know when those last times are going to be. All too often, at the end of our lives, we look back to find that all of the memories that should’ve been our favorites have slipped through our fingers like grains of sand, leaving us with nothing but the bleak, hopeless present as we lay dying in some hospital bed. We didn’t recognize the significance of all those beautiful experiences as they were happening, so we didn’t hold onto them when we had the chance. And even those of you who write your experiences down in diaries and journals, or those of you who keep photo albums, aren’t spared this unfortunate reality. These records are flat, empty, one-dimensional. The small taste they give you of the good times now gone only serves to mock what you’ve lost.

Luckily, [[Somnium Industries]] has just the solution!

We’re pleased to announce the Maya 1.0, the solution to all of your end-of-life concerns. A comprehensive Augmented Reality back-up system with a twist, Maya records all of your experiences as you’re having them in real-time, and backs them up to redundant databases the wo

rld over! Then, from our user-friendly menu, you can browse and choose your favorite memories, and re-live them at any time!

But wait- there’s more! Using state-of-the-art nanotechnology, Maya also monitors your health and vital signs from one fraction of a second to the next. If the system should detect fatal injuries befalling you, it will automatically “play” your favorite memories! Neurologically induced time dilation ensures that you get to once again experience all of your most beloved moments, even if your death is violent and occurs almost instantly!”

Narrator: The Maya 1.0 end-of-life enhancement system is available through select Infinity Corporation locations today!

Elroy: Welcome back to Infinity Hour! Next up on our agenda is Extraordinary Extraterrestrial Excursions, where we bring you along to one of our ten billion spectacular private planets, from fully equipped luxury resort worlds to newly purchased undeveloped properties, across twelve thousand galaxies.

Today, we’ll be visiting Titillatio-7, a large, misshapen blob orbiting Sol Titillatio on the outer spiral arm of Messier 101. With a squishy, dark green surface that smells vaguely of perspiration, and tufts of coarse black hair poking out from craters across the surface, it may not be conventionally “beautiful,” but it has more charm than most planets twice its appraisal value. Titillatio-7 has personality. How many other heavenly bodies contract the second you set foot on them? And that deep rumbling as you walk across the surface, that causes the waves of wrinkled flesh to quiver like pudding? It’s laughing, because your movement is tickling it. You can’t tell me that’s not lovable, Kay.

Kay: I absolutely can’t, Elroy. It’s precious.

Elroy: This sweet and cuddly O.S.O. (that’s orbital supermassive organism, for those not in the Astronomical Acquisitions field) was just acquired by our partner Somnium Industries, and can be yours for a very reasonable price! Simply contact one of our representatives to arrange a showing. We guarantee that once you feel its soft, flabby surface quivering under your feet, you’ll fall in love. Hurry - before someone else snatches it right up!

Kay: Let me tell you, Elroy, I sure wish I was in the market for an O.S.O. 

Elroy: You and me both! And now, let’s hear a quick message from our sponsors.

[Ad music]

Bob: You know how they say there’s a first time for everything? What they forgot to mention is that the first time is also the BEST time! Imagine when you first had your favorite food. Didn’t the flavors just explode in your mouth, like nothing you’d ever tasted before? Or how about the first time you heard your favorite song? Every melody, every rhythm, new and exciting. Sure, you may listen to that song on loop for days, and you may have your favorite food for lunch once a week, but it’ll never be as novel and thrilling as that first experience.

    Well, we here at The Infinity Corporation's Novelty Forever Amusement Park believe that you’re entitled to nothing but the best- and if the first time is the best time, then it should be your first time EVERY time. A harmless, specially-designed electromagnetic field surrounding the park prevents formation of long-term memories, so that the hours’ worth of rides, games, and entertainment are just as fresh and marvelous the next time around as they were on your first visit!

    So, bring the family on down to Novelty Forever today. Passes start at just $15 - or $5 for the kiddos - for an experience like none you’ve ever had before - guaranteed!”

[Ad music outro]

Elroy: You know Kay, they’re not joking. 

Kay: Is that so?

Elroy: Absolutely. I traveled all the way to Earth - first time for me, by the way - to bring the ol’ mate and protozoa–

Kay: Uh – [chuckles nervously]

Elroy: Right, sorry, to bring the wife and kids– to the park. Turns out it’s not just effective on humans. We went there three days in a row. Every time - every single time - we stepped through the doors, and the next thing we know, we’re heading out the exit, happy and exhausted. The er, uh, the kids were asleep on Kary’s shoulder before we even got to the shuttle. We were all wearing Novelty Forever shirts, and Dia had a Novelty Forever balloon that sat around the house for about two months before it finally lost all its air. She wouldn’t let us throw it away before then!

Kay: Well, whatever happened, it sounds like you all had a blast.

Elroy: I guess we did. I’m already looking forward to our next trip to Earth.

Kay: How was Earth, anyway? Besides Novelty Forever.

Elroy: Well, uh – it was good. It was good. Except for visiting the park, we didn’t leave the tourist areas, you know, the company resort. And based on what I saw, I’d really recommend you don’t. The center has everything you need anyway. Plenty of energy, qualia, and you don’t need to worry about any of those guys wearing the black suits and sunglasses you always hear about. And the oxygen atmosphere - it’s something else.

Kay: Well, looks like I might have to bring Tavuu there sometime. Maybe we can all go together.

Elroy: Sure, sure! That’d be a lot of fun.

Kay: Well, folks, that will just about wrap up this week’s show. No matter who, what, where, when, how, or why you are, remember, the Infinity Corporation has what you need to have a great time, all the time.

Elroy: Have a great arbitrary fourth dimensional division, and until next time -

Kay & Elroy in Unison: Stay infinite.