4 - Gratification Gauge Gamma

Are you happy? The answer may surprise you!

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[Radio static] Male voice: –taking facial recognition to the next level. State of the art–

Male voice: “When people ask ‘why don’t we support unions, my answer is simple–”

Male voice (quiet): “Remember, you’re answering the questions, you can talk about anything you want to.”

[Static]

[Opening Theme]

Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”

[Intro music]

Kay: Infinity Hour is a weekly subspace radio broadcast from your family at the Infinity Corporation, designed to wind up your mind and advance your astral anima into empyrean evolutionary overdrive! Whether you’re serving up fries behind the counter at Fnord Burger or on a long haul shipping route through the Tau Ceti system, we have what you need to lead and succeed. I’m Kay Werty.

Elroy: And I’m Elroy G. Biv. We have a great show in store for you this eternal present - from a tour of heaven to revealing your secret weapon to achieve ultimate happiness. But before we get into the features, it’s time for…

Kay & Elroy: Reality Report!

[Reality Report music]

Kay: Troubling news today from the Proxima Centauri system, where an Alliance supply depot was the target of a violent and unprovoked attack by unknown assailants. Early reports indicate that one of the lost warehouses contained a large store of Infinity Corporation Wholesomely Hardy Health Packs, destined for civilians in danger of brutal Feroxi assaults on Gliese 667 (Glees-uh), as well as other humanitarian aid. 

While the identity of the monsters;lllpo who carried out this wanton terroristic crime have not yet been identified, the hallmarks of the Feoxi are all there - disregard for the property of neutral, outside parties, active sabotage of civilian health and safety, and cowardly hit-and-run tactics. An investigation is ongoing, but I, for one, have no doubt what it will conclude.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Reality C-417, we’re following a story sure to lift your spirits. Here’s Elroy with it now.

[Volcano and bubbling noises that continue sporadically]

Elroy: Thanks, Kay. I’m standing on the planet Hephaestus, a world you and most others probably haven’t even heard of! Hephaestus may be far away from the hustle and bustle of Kepler 90. with its booming industries and commerce, and it might feel a bit isolated, but what it lacks in economic activity it makes up for with its beautiful views of the massive volcanoes dotting the landscape, and the ocean of lava that covers half the planet. 

The Alliance colony of Securus, which sits right on the shore of the churning magma sea, is mostly made up of citizens like the Matzen family here - hardworking folks living in humble homes, but rich in community, happiness, and love for one another. 

So when her mother Taryn slipped and fell straight into a pool of lava, covering 95% of her body with sixth-degree burns, and was handed the bill for her medical care, little Kimra knew what she had to do. She opened a lemonade stand selling glasses for 2 credits apiece to save up money for her mothers’ treatments. 

Kimra didn’t want to step away from her lemonade stand, worrying that even a few minutes of lost profits could cut into her mother’s medical funds, so I’ve joined her here on the sidewalk of the Securus colony, where there’s a line halfway down the block to purchase a nice cool glass of the beneficent beverage.

Hi, Kimra.

Kimra: Hello mister.

Elroy: Can you tell us about why you’re out here?

Kimra: Well, my mommy got hurt and its a lot of money to make her better. My daddy says we don’t have enough so I want to make some to give my mommy.

Elroy: And how’s business, Kimra?

Kimra: Lots more people were buying lemonade but the store over there, with the blue sign, started selling their lemonade more cheaper and a bunch of people went to them instead.

Elroy: Ha ha, alright then Kimra, good luck with your sales. (Sounds of walking away).

Many of the folks here are, like Kimra’s father, hardworking miners and shuttle workers with more kindness than credits, so the fact that so many of them are willing to buy overpriced lemonade that frankly isn’t as tasty as the Infinity Corporation brand Limitless Lemonade available right here in the Securus colony, to help out a community member, is all the more touching.

From Securus Colony on Haephestus, this is Elroy G. Biv reporting. Back to you, Kay.

[Reality Report outro]

Kay: Thanks Elroy. Next up is Extraordinary Extradimensional Excursions, where we’ll be visiting the most perfect planet in the multiversal fractal metastructure - a true, blue utopia. But first, let’s take a look at this week’s featured product!

[Commercial music]

I have a simple question for you, listener, and it’s this: Are you happy?

Most of you will probably rush to answer that question with a knee-jerk response of “yes, of course I’m happy” before your mind wanders into uncomfortable territory. 

[Darker music]

Male Voice: Sure, I’ve got hardships to deal with, just like anyone. But I could have it a lot worse. I’m happy.

Female Voice: My children are the light of my life. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing than raising them. I’m happy.

Male Voice: I don’t love my job, but it pays the rent and keeps me occupied during the day. Plus, there’s always the weekend to pursue my passions. I’m happy where I am.

Kay: With the troubling question temporarily at bay, you can return to your comforting daily routines, as time slips away from you. But at the end of your life, when you look back on everything you did, will you really feel contentment at a life truly well lived? Or, with all your illusions stripped away, from the perspective of the unchangeable end, will you realize that you weren’t actually happy at all, but were just lying to yourself to avoid having to admit that the time, effort, and pain you’d suffered through to establish your life had been a waste? That you were just telling yourself you were happy to avoid rocking the boat?

What you need is a way to know now whether you’re fulfilled or forlorn, glad or gloomy, whether you’re making the most out of your days, or living a life doomed to be regretted.

What you need is The Infinity Corporation’s brand new Gratification Gauge Gamma.

[Upbeat commercial music]

Using state-of-the-art neurological analysis technology, the Gratification Gauge reads your brain states and compares them to its vast database to determine whether or not you are actually happy, or just faking it! Results are available immediately, putting you in the best position to decide what to do with your life - whether you should go in for that meeting you’ve been dreading today or put in your two weeks’ notice; whether, while you’re out grocery shopping, you should return home to your complicated family life or abandon your kids to start a new career in the circus, or whether you should simply end it all here and now rather than continuing to suffer!

Joining us now is Todd, age 26, who has won the chance to try out the Gratification Gauge through a contest run through our friends at Somnium Industries. Welcome, Todd!

Todd: Hi there.

Kay: And how are you doing today?

Todd: Well, uh, I guess that’s what I’m here to find out, isn’t it?

Kay: (chuckles) It sure is. So let’s get you hooked up to the Gauge - we put this here, and then this goes–

Todd: Ouch!

Kay: Oh, stop, the Gratification Gauge is totally painless. Finally, we just slip this here, and–

Todd: Ahh! (Gasp)

Kay: …There we go. All set up to take readings. Are you ready to find out how happy you really are, Todd?

Todd: (Sounding uncomfortable) Well-

Kay: Great. Now, we power it on! (Electronic power up noise and humming). Look. Readings are already coming in!

Todd: (Uncertainly) 23.5. Is that… good? 

Kay: Ooh, afraid not Todd. That’s 50 points below the minimum happiness threshold measurement. According to this, you’re actually depressed.

Todd: Oh…Well…

Kay: And there’s a really cool feature I’d like to show you, Todd - we can actually switch to a graph view showing your happiness over time. See, based on memory analysis, it shows that with some minor ups and downs you’ve been averaging a low 23.5 pretty steadily for some time. But this severe drop off, here, where your happiness plummeted? That was just moments ago when the readings first came in. Learning that you were unhappy actually made you significantly more depressed! Isn’t that fascinating?

Todd: Yeah… really interesting…

Kay: Thanks for coming on the show, Todd, and enjoy your new Gratification Gauge Gamma! And for all you listeners out there wanting to gain control of your life through true, scientifically-validated self-knowledge, contact an Infinity Corporation representative today to arrange a purchase!

[Outtro]

Elroy: Absolutely incredible, Kay. I think I’ll have to pick one up for myself. Can I use my employee discount?

Kay: You’ll have to ask the Boss about that.

Elroy: Oh- (actually nervous). Well. Whether I do or not, I have no doubt it’s worth it. I’ll order one tonight.

Kay: Great idea!

Elroy: And now listeners, it’s time to take a trip to an exceptionally excellent exotic exoplanet on today’s Exraordinary Extraterrestrial Excursion!

Two million light years away from the heart of the Alliance lies the closest to heaven you’ll ever get outside the Infinity Corporation’s NirvanaNet Online luxury consciousness storage system! Elysium-5 is a planet of perfection, a wondrous world without woes or wickedness. Let’s have a look around.

[Transition noise. Ocean and breeze.]

Welcome to Elysium-5. Behind me is the vast, sapphire blue Sublime Sea. The beach stretches as far as you can see in each direction, bordered by a beautiful forest dotted with perfectly manicured walking paths. Delicious and nutritious edible fruits grow on nearly every tree. If you follow the paths long enough, you’ll reach a stunning range of snowcapped peaks, and a city called Mahoroba, with all the gorgeous views, entertainment, and shopping you could possibly want. Regularly scheduled rainstorms allow you to decide whether you want to sitting under an awning watching the downpour, wrapped up inside under a blanket reading a book as the rain patters quietly on the windows, or splashing through puddles with your best friend getting pleasantly soaked. But don’t worry - you don’t have to worry about catching a cold. Sickness is unheard of here.

So, I know you’re wondering, how did Elysium-5 get to be so perfect? Our researchers wondered the same thing, and after we acquired the planet, they set out to find the answer. As it turns out, the world seems to have been engineered this way by the original inhabitants, in distant eons past. The atmosphere is full of nanomachines connected to each other in a vast network. Busy little things, they’re always scanning every object, lifeform, and energy source that enters the atmosphere, and calculating the effects it will have on everything it comes into contact with. If any single entity on or around the planet will result in an effect the network determines to be unpleasant, it will be… dealt with. 

For example, if a person with violent tendencies were to arrive at the planet, intending to cause harm to one of our valued resort guests, the nanomachines would make adjustments to their prefrontal cortex to change their behavior. Alternatively, if a meteor were to enter the atmosphere that was likely to cause… discomfort to the guests, the nanomachines would simply vaporize it as it descended. End result? Nothing interferes with your good time. As long as you’re on Elysium-5, you’re content!

Kay: Thanks, Elroy. Elysium sounds absolutely wonderful. My only question is - if everything is perfect all the time, wouldn’t that get boring?

Elroy: I’m glad you asked! That’s a common misconception. No, it actually doesn’t - boredom is a negative emotion, and the nanomachines are constantly scanning your brain and adjusting your neurochemistry to prevent anything unpleasant. You can do the exact same activity a thousand times in a row, and you’ll never get bored!

Kay: Remarkable! Why does anyone ever leave, then?

Elroy: Well, our Elysian resorts are… not inexpensive, as I’m sure you can understand. So, typically the reason a guest’s stay ends is that they’re no longer able to pay. Since dealing with financial issues is unpleasant, before they travel to the planet, they authorize automatic withdrawals from their accounts. Once their accounts are empty and they are not able to continue payment, they are instantaneously transported off the surface by our orbiting Transit Station Satellite.

Kay: Really? I can’t imagine they’re too happy about that.

Elroy: Feeling anything other than bliss for the first time after days or even weeks is always unpleasant. Luckily, Gratification Gauges are available for sale on credit at the Transit Station, for departing Elysium guests to recalibrate their emotional states and relearn what it is to be happy. And for any of our clients who want to replenish their account balances after their stay, temporary jobs are always available at the plutonium mines in the nearby Aegrum Astroid Belt.

Kay: It sounds like a rewarding experience all around!

Elroy: Oh, you bet it is. Once they get off the Asteroids and save up a little bit, many of our customers just can’t wait to get back to Elysium and repeat the process over and over again, no matter how short their stay on the surface is!

Kay: It just goes to show, you really can buy happiness, as long as you buy it from The Infinity Corporation.

Elroy: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Kay: And that’s our show for this enjoyable allocation of multidimensional affectation. Whoever, whatever, or whenever you’re in the market for, The Infinity Corporation can provide you the drive to survive and thrive. Thanks for tuning in with us, and until next when, just remember to…

Kay & Elroy: …Stay infinite.

[Outtro]