6 - Bomb Smoke Blues & Prepping for Perdition

Kay and Elroy come to you from Lyria-23 with the latest updates in the aftermath of the League of Dynamic Discord's malicious attack. Meanwhile, learn how to properly prepare for the inevitably approaching apocalypse with combat correspondent Nescient Ned Neptune!

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Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”

[Intro music]

Elroy: Welcome to Infinity Hour, where we bring you the latest and greatest tips, tricks, tidings, and tales from across the fathomless fractal multiversal meta-structure! I’m Elroy G. Biv.

Kay: And I’m Kay Werty. Thanks for joining us - we appreciate your support, even if you are merely an insect trapped in the amber of the eternal present with no autonomy beyond the dictates of Universal law. 

Elroy: Right you are, Kay. We know there are thousands of interdimensional programs out there our listeners could be predestined to tune into, and in this configuration of the spacetime continuum, they’re listening to us. It means so much to us.

Kay: Especially in these difficult times for our Infinity Corporation family. 

Elroy: That’s right. Today we'll be bringing you updates and expert perspectives on the violent, unprovoked attack against our Lyria-5 Warehouse by the extremist group calling itself the "League of Dynamic Discord," in order to better understand the tragedy. And now for the latest news on the continuing investigation, let’s dive into this week’s…

Kay & Elroy: REALITY REPORT!

Kay: Alliance authorities scaled up their manhunt today for members of the League of Dynamic Discord, who claimed responsibility for last week’s terrorist assault on the Infinity Corporation’s Akashic Records Warehouse on Lyria-5. Encompassing over 23 systems, it’s the largest search effort by Alliance law enforcement in centuries. Head of Interstellar Police Jack Gournay had this to say.

Gournay: We’ve dispatched another 5,000 officers to Lyria and the surrounding systems, we’re following every lead, and we’re sparing no expense. I can’t comment extensively as the investigation is still ongoing, but what I can tell you is that the members of this so-called League of Discord aren’t even local to this quadrant. They crossed sector lines - sometimes coming from four or five systems away - to cause trouble for the locals and advance their own agendas. 

Kay: And can you give us an accurate, up-to-date assessment of the casualties sustained in  the attack, sir?

Gournay: They’re still working to determine the extent of the damage, but at least 250 crates of Ego-B-Gone, a half-dozen shipping containers of FateFlux 5000 units, and 600 orders of P-zombie Prescription Formula are confirmed to have been destroyed, representing countless hours of dedicated labor from Infinity Corporation team members and over 5,000,000 credits of revenue. 

–

Elroy: Great to hear, we really do appreciate all of the hard work the Alliance Armed Forces & Police are putting into the investigation, and we wish them nothing but the best. There will be more on this situation as it develops.

Kay: Absolutely. 

Elroy: Well, in the wake of these attacks and extremist terrorism, I’m sure all of our listeners at home are wondering what they can do to keep themselves and their families safe. Here to talk with us a little about that today is our award winning conflict correspondent Nescient Ned Neptune. Ned, for folks who are watching all this unfold at home and wondering when the violence is going to reach them, what can you recommend?

Ned: Great question, Elroy. I’m so glad you asked, because now is the time to prepare. Not next week, not tomorrow, now. You wait on this and one day you’ll be sitting at home on your porch drinking an Infinity Brewing Panpsychist Pale Ale and the next thing you know there’ll be an explosion and your kids’ body parts will be strewn across your lawn and the damn Feroxi will be guzzling their blood like milkshakes, them and their little League of Dynamic Discord lackeys. And our Alliance forces have our best interests at heart, bless em, but they can’t be everywhere at once, so that’s why it comes down to each one  of us to protect ourselves and our families from the evil that’s trying to encroach on our freedom. 

So first up, we have the brand new impenetrable Panic Pocket Dimension. *Crinkling noises* You just peel off the wrapper, toss the ring on the ground, and the portal will open.. As soon as you’re through, you just *zipping noise* pull down the screen and the portal will disappear from the outside world. And there you are, safe in your pocket dimension and unreachable from the terrorists and thugs. The Panic Pocket Dimension is furnished like an unfinished basement with a single bare lightbulb hanging overhead, really calling back to the vintage survival bunkers we all grew up with, and there's plenty of space to store all of your necessities. Only 120 credits. Fantastic value folks.

Now, accessories are not included with the Panic Pocket Dimension, which brings us to the next indispensable purchase you'll need to ensure your family's safety - Ned Neptune's Stoutheart Survival Supply kit. *Sound of slapping leather bag* This baby has everything you need to sustain a family of four for up to a year. Included are such necessities as Infinity EverFresh dehydrated water - easier to store and a century long shelf life - and five hundred bags of Tasty Terry's Snacking Packing Peanuts. One pack of Tasty Terry's and you won't need to eat for a week. It sure will keep you alive. Nutritious and nutritious! Each kit also comes with four Thousand Sensation Quality Qualia quilts, lovingly hand crafted at our facility on Industrial Factory World 4595 to keep you warm and entertained in those dark apocalyptic shelter nights, and finally, a Vick's VaporShot DEW - that's directed energy weapon - able to utterly vaporize a bad guy with a single push of this button. No body, no fuss, no legal consequences for the justified defense of your life, liberty, and property. Now, you can pick up one of my Stoutheart Survival Supply Kits for 100 credits, or go all in on the safeguarding of your family with the Ned Neptune's Paramount Protection Package - which includes a Panic Pocket Dimension and three Survival Supply kits for only 400 credits. I'll also throw in a bottle of my very own Neptunian Natural Nutrition supplement - guaranteed to give you a surge in stamina and put a pep in your step (additional bottles available for 20 credits. Once you try it, folks, you are not gonna want to to stop.)

So, you know Elroy, that's what I'd recommend for your listeners. You can order all of these great resources in my Nescient Ned Neptune catalog.

Elroy: Excellent. Wonderful to have you on as always, keeping our listeners as prepared and ready as they can be to survive the hard times ahead. 

Kay: That's right. Thank you so much, Ned. Next on our agenda - we heard the terrorists in the League of Dynamic Discord identify themselves as a "group of Discordians" in their declaration of responsibility for the warehouse bombing. So what do actual, practicing Discordians have to say about their name being usurped for acts of indiscriminate violence? Joining us now is Dianne Isis, our resident Pope. [Dianne’s Discordian Discourse intro plays] Welcome back to the show, Dianne!

Dianne: Twenty three thank yous to you, Kay. It’s always a pleasure, even under the sad circumstances that bring me here today.

Kay: So, I take it you’re not too pleased with the actions of your fellow Discordians in the League?

Dianne: Frankly, Kay, they aren’t Discordians, let’s get that out of the way right now. No “Discordian” would commit a cowardly terrorist attack or damage someone else’s property! Only political bad actors seeking to appropriate the words of the Goddess for their own ends would associate the good name of our faith with a wanton attack on innocent workers. Right in the Principia, it states “Find Peace with a Contented Chao.” Discordians seek peace and harmony between chaos and order, light and dark, wet and dry, smooth and creased, drunk and sober, right and left, fire and water, pancakes and waffles, etc and so forth, and so on and so on.

Kay: So, to be clear, their ideals are in no way supported by the actual teachings of Discordianism?

Dianne: Absolutely not. Certainly the world must be changed from time to time, to retain the balance between Hodge and Podge, Eris and Aneris, Chaos and Order. But there are means and channels, there are times and places. Violence only begets more violence. After all, now the Alliance Armed Forces will be forced to hunt down and arrest those saboteurs. This, in turn, will create more indignation, inspire more attacks, and thus more reprisals and arrests. No. This is not harmony. This is not Yin and Yang. This is not Hodge and Podge. 

Kay: Thanks so much, Dianne. Pope Dianne Isis’ new book, the Incredible Insights of the Eminent Imminent, is available for 23 credits through Infinity Corporation Publishing. Order your copy today!

–

[Transition ad jingle]

[Dark ambient music plays]

Elroy: Life - repetitive. 

Kay: Pointless. 

Elroy: Grinding. 

Kay: Boring. 

Elroy: Wake up. Go to work. Eat lunch. Go back to work. 

Kay: Sit in traffic. Go home. Do chores. 

Elroy: Eat food you bought using money you earned from work to sustain yourself for work tomorrow. Go to sleep. 

Kay: Lather. 

Elroy: Rinse. 

Kay: Repeat. 

Elroy: The world is a series of images passing in front of your eyes, sensations across your skin, there and then gone. 

Kay: There and then gone. 

Elroy: A joke is told, a laugh is uttered, silence ensues. 

Kay: Repetition and transience. 

Elroy: You are only your thoughts.

Kay: Your thoughts are only soundbytes, taken from the world around you.

Elroy: Your words are only your thoughts rearranged.

Kay: You are a machine.

Elroy: Incapable of true joy.

Kay: Of lasting fulfillment.

Elroy: Devoid of meaning.

Kay: Without purpose.

Elroy: A wind-up toy.

Kay: Mechanized. Clockwork.

Elroy: And then…

Kay: And then!

Elroy: A spark.

Kay: A light.

Elroy: A chance meeting.

Kay: A stray glance.

Elroy: Heart pounding.

Kay: Excitement.

Elroy: Shattering the ordinary.

Kay: The prison of normality.

Elroy: Infatuation.

Kay: Passion.

Elroy: True humanity.

Kay: A ghost in the machine.

Elroy: Life given meaning.

Kay: The world in color.

Elroy: Adventure and ecstasy.

Kay: Stakes and serenity.

Elroy: A future together. Joined at the altar. Hands clasped together, eyes locked.

Kay: Vows made. Rings exchanged. You may kiss.

Elroy: Dancing and celebration throughout the night. Champagne flows. The drab monochrome of the lifeless past is only a vague memory.

Kay: Like a dream upon waking. 

Elroy: This is what it’s all about, what it’s always been about.

Kay: The passage of time. The birth of children. The happiness and heartbreak of family. You wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Elroy: The disputes and the devotion. Warm summer days with clear blue skies. Icy winter nights safe in front of a roaring fire.

Kay: Shared with them. Always with them.

Elroy: The falling away of years. The wrinkling of skin. 

Kay: Gray hairs, forgotten words. 

Elroy: An empty house, hands held in the sunset.

Kay: Whatever comes next, you face it together.

Elroy: Always together.

Kay: And when it’s time, your hands will be joined.

Elroy: You won’t be alone.

Kay: You don’t have to be alone anymore.

[Pause.]

[Commercial jingle]

Kay: That’s right. With the Infinity Corporation’s brand new Designer Dreams Matrix, every night, you too can experience the joys of true love, togetherness, and a sense of real purpose that have evaded you in your lonely waking life!

Elroy: It couldn’t be easier. Once you receive your order simply follow the instructions in the manual to program the dream you want to enjoy into the module, and attach it to your forehead before sleep! 

Kay: Then enjoy that sweet, sweet authentic human connection and meaning that’s missing from your real life.

Elroy: The Designer Dreams Matrix can be yours today for just 5 easy payments of 30 credits each.

Kay: And for an extra 10 credits we’ll throw in a months’ supply of Infinity Labs’ Carefree Coma Sleep Aid! That’s a 50 credit value for only 10 credits - practically a steal.

Elroy: Those bad boys work like a charm. They’ll keep you sleeping - and dreaming - for hours and hours and hours and hours.

Kay: Happiness and excitement have never been more accessible. So what are you waiting for? Order your Designer Dreams Matrix today.

Narrator: The Infinity Corporation is not responsible for customers that lose their desire to participate in day to day lives and slowly lose their minds as a result of repeated exposure to the Designer Dreams Matrix, hallucinating elements from their dreams during their waking lives before eventually losing the ability to distinguish between the two, mistaking a cliff for a beautiful palace or something and tumbling to their gruesome deaths. Use only as directed.

[Jingle]

[Sound of a fire crackling]

Kay: Oh, hi there. I didn’t see you. Lovely night, isn’t it? Say, friend, have you ever felt that you no longer wanted to go on living? Is your Designer Dreams Matrix just not doing the trick anymore? Have you built up a tolerance to Carefree Coma Sleep Aids? Is your Gratification Gauge Gamma registering record lows? Do you want to end it all, but can’t stand the thought of burdening your poor family with the suffering of your passing, on either a financial or an emotional level? Well, I’m happy to say that the Infinity Corporation has you covered. 

[sound of pill bottle being placed on table]

Kay: Introducing P-Zombie Pills. Just one capsule will completely obliterate your conscious, subjective experience while leaving your body and your behavior completely unchanged and intact! So while you slip away on your endless holiday to peaceful, timeless oblivion, your mortal shell continues going about its day to day activities, leaving your friends and family none the wiser. The P-Zombie pill must be taken daily to remain effective, but luckily you will only ever need to consciously take it once. After that, your body will continue filling your prescription on autopilot. It will also continue to engage in conversations with coworkers, take your kids to ballgames, and make love to your spouse! And unlike our leading competitors, the difference is truly undetectable - none of that “they lost the spark of consciousness in their eyes” or “something was just off about them” that users of Brand X P-Zombie pills report. 

So no need to hang on in quiet desperation. Plan your escape today with Infinity Labs’ premium P-Zombie Pills. Order now.

[closing jingle]

Elroy: And that’s it for our show this week folks. As always it’s been our pleasure to offer you the very best par excellence in existential elucidation, astral advertising, and cosmopolitan cosmic and commercial communications. 

Kay: We look laterally to seeing you again nextspace. Don’t forget to enjoy the sensation of being the fractal multiversal metastructure experiencing itself as long as possible. And remember-

Elroy & Kay: STAY INFINITE!